


Things Not To Do On The NX01

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-05
Updated: 2007-01-15
Packaged: 2018-08-16 06:37:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8091490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Some things are just not on…





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: This was inspired in part by Skippyâ€™s â€˜213 Thingsâ€¦â€™ If youâ€™ve never heard of it, go google it. Trust me, its hilarious. There is also implied pairings in this: Trip/Tâ€™Pol and Malcolm/Hoshi to be precise.  
  
Enjoy, and please R&R.  
  
Disclaimer: I own no Enterprise. Simple. And, honestly, did you really think I did?  


* * *

**Things Not To Do On the NX-01**

Jon wasnâ€™t quite sure where itâ€™d come from. Coffee in hand, he paused next to the sheet of paper tacked up in the Mess Hall, heading for his private dining room and scrambled eggs. He read the single line of scrawled handwriting on the page, and one eyebrow went up in a subconscious imitation of the resident Vulcan.

**1\. Donâ€™t tease the Doc. He _will_ get you back.**

It was Tripâ€™s handwriting. Archerâ€™s lips twisted in a wry grin. Thatexplained the odd stains on the engineerâ€™s uniform when the two had met in the corridor yesterday evening. Trip had gone bright red at the Captainâ€™s queries, muttered something about â€˜unfair revengeâ€™, and ducked inside his quarters.

Archer smiled and headed in for his breakfast.

\---------

There was an addition to the fledgling list by lunchtime. The Captain made a bee-line through the crowded Mess to the paper. It was Malcolm this time.

**2\. Phase pistols â€“ not toys. Understand?**

He smirked. That soundedâ€¦ interesting. He ate his lunch in a hurry; the Brit was on duty on the Bridge. Archer was curious, and if Reed wasnâ€™t going to be forthcoming with what had happened, he could always order him.

\---------

Crewman Rostov made the next contribution. Archer laughed as he read it.

**3\. Donâ€™t â€˜borrowâ€™ Commander Tuckerâ€™s spanner. Justâ€¦ donâ€™t. Itâ€™s not worth it.**

Jon shook his head. Trip really did love that spanner.

\---------

The next one was up within hours.

**4\. Think about it. If it sounds like French, but youâ€™re on a planet a very long way from Earth, is it really likely to be French?**

Hoshi was getting antsy about the lack of appreciation for her skills again. Archer winced. Lieutenant Simmons from Engineering had decided to put his degree to good use on a recent away mission â€“ he ended up being beamed back aboard with a broken arm and several first-degree burns. Apparently â€˜jâ€™mappelle Jasonâ€™, when said in a certain way, meant something rather rude in Xarian.

Youâ€™dâ€™ve thought my crew knew better than that after four years, Archer thought ruefully, before heading to Sickbay to visit the hapless Lieutenant.

\---------

There had been an impromptu feud between the Starfleet Security personnel and the MACOs: that incident prompted the next entry on the already-famous list.

**5\. The Pyrithian Bat is not a method for revenge. Leave her alone.**

Archer grinned. Heâ€™d already gotten an earful about that from Phlox.

\---------

The next day, Jon found himself writing up the next entry.

**6\. Neither is Porthos. Leave him alone.**

Honestly, this was getting out of hand.

\---------

Two more shot up after Enterprise took on board several new crewmen and MACOs. Apparently Phloxâ€™s new helper (the Doctor had finally caved and admitted that his workload was massive) could be quiteâ€¦ open in his appreciation for some of the female crewmemberâ€™s attributes. Jon read the pair with a grin on his face.

**7\. Donâ€™t hit on Commander Tâ€™Pol. I mean it.**

**8\. Donâ€™t flirt with Ensign Sato. I have phase pistols.**

Trip and Malcolm, Archer thought, rolling his eyes and pulling the top off his own pen. He scribbled up the next one.

**9\. We have a no-frat policy aboard this ship. Do I need to say more?**

Trip appeared beside the Captain and read the new addition. Jon gave his friend a meaningful look, and the engineer just laughed.

\---------

Travis was next up.

**10\. Knock it off guys. Or at least remember to booby-trap the correct console.**

Jon laughed. It was another result of the ongoing rivalry in the Security department. The MACOs had gotten onto the Bridge during the night shift in the hopes of sabotaging Lieutenant Reedâ€™s console. As a result of their slightâ€¦ inebriation whilst attempting this, Travis had ended up getting a face full of cream, custard and industrial lubricant. Archer shook his head. He really needed to talk to Malcolm and Major Oâ€™Neill about this.

\---------

The next entry was sort of mysterious. Archer recognised his Chief Engineerâ€™s handwriting, but didnâ€™t know what had prompted the command.

**11\. Stop it. Now.**

His spanner maybe? No, Rostov had already warned the crew about that. Jon chewed his lip and crossed his arms. As if summoned, Trip stormed through the doors, pen in hand. He ignored Archer and scrawled the next one up.

**12\. Replacing a superior officerâ€™s coffee with decaf is not funny. I know who you are, and I will find a way to get you court-martialled if you do it again. For Godâ€™s sake, have you seen me when I havenâ€™t had caffeine?**

The engineer capped his pen and turned to Archer. The Captain was trying not to grin. â€œCommander?â€ he asked, almost afraid of the answer.

â€œHess did it,â€ was all Trip said.

\---------

Archer spotted Ensign Barker from Security writing the next one up.

**13\. Challenging people to duels to the death went out with slavery. Stop it Michaels.**

The Ensign turned around and saw Jon, and went bright red. Archer just looked him, a smile twitching at his lips. â€œJeffrey keeps getting annoyed with me,â€ he explained, embarrassed. â€œHeâ€™s got a strange sense of humour.â€

â€œI see.â€

Jon watched as Barker fled the Mess, and he grinned.

\---------

Another away mission gone awry prompted the next entry. The planet in question had possessed a slightly dubious type of airborne pollen that had affected the landing party, consisting of Malcolm, Travis, Crewman Peters from the Science department and Sergeant Pargeter of the MACOs. The four of them had goneâ€¦ Well, Archer remembered the word Mayweather had used in his report was â€˜loopyâ€™. Whilst â€˜loopyâ€™, Travis had discovered an alternate use for Shuttlepod One.

**14\. The shuttlepods are not to be used to â€˜smushâ€™ things.**

â€œMalcolm?â€ Jon asked, recognising his Tactical Officerâ€™s handwriting.

The Brit nodded at the Captain. â€œCommander Tucker complained quite profusely about having the clean the shuttles,â€ he answered in a bland, professional monotone.

Archer laughed and headed for the Bridge, Malcolm in tow.

\---------

The next one was kind ofâ€¦ scary. Tripâ€™s handwriting too.

**15\. No duct-taping people naked to the warp core.**

â€œWhat theâ€¦?â€ Archer spun around and spotted the engineer in question as he retrieved his morning coffee from the dispenser. Trip saw the Captainâ€™s confusion and made his way to Jonâ€™s side.

â€œSir?â€

Jon tapped the list.

â€œOh that.â€ Trip took a sip of his coffee, making a face. â€œStarfleet coffee sucks.â€ He took another mouthful nonetheless, and then returned his attention to Archer. â€œMalcolmâ€™s people got hold of Major Oâ€™Neill last night. I came in ta pick up ma report, which is now on yer desk, by the way, and spotted the poor fella, drugged up and taped to the side of my engines.â€

â€œAh.â€ What else could he say?

â€œCapâ€™n, you really need ta get this feud-thing sorted,â€ Trip advised. â€œItâ€™s gettingâ€™ ridiculous.â€

Archer rubbed his temples. â€œDonâ€™t I know it.â€

\---------

The next three were Hoshiâ€™s, and all on the same topic.

**16\. Look, Iâ€™m flattered, really, but if you donâ€™t stop, Iâ€™m going to have to tell Malcolm who you are. Iâ€™m not interested.**

Archer smirked. The Ensign had obviously gotten another secret admirer. Honestly, I need to get the idea of a â€˜no-frat policyâ€™ through these peopleâ€™s heads! Jon thought despairingly. He read down.

**17\. Okay, one more chance!**

Still not taking the hint. Jon grinned.

**18\. Malcolm, it was Pargeter.**

The Tactical Officer appeared beside Archer. His eyes narrowed as he read the latest three additions. The Britâ€™s eyes alighted on the name. â€œSergeant Pargeter,â€ he hissed, before turning on his heel and stalking out of the Mess Hall.

Jon winced. Sergeant? Great. A MACO. As if this damn feud wasnâ€™t bad enough already.

\---------

The Captain met Trip on his way into the Mess. Jon followed the engineer as he made his way straight to this list and began to scribble. â€œAnother one?â€ he asked.

â€œYeah.â€ Trip pulled back, finished.

**19\. Malcolm, Iâ€™ve told you about the duct tape!**

â€œAgain?â€

â€œOh yeah.â€ Trip shot Jon a rueful glance. â€œWhyâ€™d Hoshi have to tell him?â€ he bemoaned.

â€œTell you whatâ€¦â€ Jon snatched the pen out of his friendâ€™s hand and pulled the lid off.

**20\. Duct tape must now be requested through either Captain Archer or Commander Tâ€™Pol and a valid reason must be given.**

Trip grinned. â€œThanks Capâ€™n!â€

â€œDonâ€™t mention it,â€ Archer replied, still smiling. "But you are explaining that to T'Pol..."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter - you all make my day! I wasn't sure if I should've posted this, but people seem to like it! Anyway.

  
Author's notes: Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter - you all make my day! I wasn't sure if I should've posted this, but people seem to like it! Anyway.  
  
And the rating is going up this chapter, 'cause I figured no. 27 might get some little people shocked... But that might just be me. :D  
Enjoy!  


* * *

Things Not To Do On the NX-01

At 0530, Trip Tucker entered the Mess Hall, stomach grumbling, in search of breakfast. He didnâ€™t get as far as food though; he caught sight of Malcolm writing on the List. He smiled to himself. That list had been one of his better ideas. The crewâ€™s morale had rocketed recently. The engineer stepped up behind Reed and read the next entry, smirking.

**21\. Higher ranking officers are not to be referred to as â€˜Motherâ€™, â€˜Fatherâ€™, or any derivative of the two.**

â€œNewbies?â€ Trip asked knowingly.

Malcolm turned to face him and nodded wearily. â€œCrewman Harriman. Peculiar idea of respect.â€

Trip snorted with laughter and sauntered over to get breakfast.

\---------

Tucker was taking a quick break at lunchtime when he noticed the next one. He instantly recognised Jonâ€™s handwriting.

**22\. For Godâ€™s sake people, no alcohol on duty! Youâ€™re Starfleet officers! I should not have to tell you this!**

He grinned and went to find Hoshi. She was on the same Bridge shift as Jon today; sheâ€™d tell him what happened.

\---------

The next one was in Tâ€™Polâ€™s neat handwriting. He started at that; surely the list was â€˜illogicalâ€™? Whatever. He read down.

**23\. Fraternization with alien females is not recommended. Please do not attempt to emulate Commander Tucker; he is an illogical role model.**

â€œHey!â€

Trip went in search of Tâ€™Pol.

\---------

After returning to Engineering, Trip was back with another one.

**24\. Donâ€™t stick basketball hoops to the warp engines. I will find you if you mess with my babies again.**

Malcolmâ€™s lips quirked upwards in a tiny smile. â€œYour â€˜babiesâ€™?â€

Trip waved the pen at him in a distinctly threatening manner. â€œWatch it Lieutenant!â€

\---------

The next addition came after another disastrous away mission. Hoshi wrote it up.

**25\. Donâ€™t make fun of aliens in funny clothes. Am I the only one on this ship with a grasp of the concept of a â€˜tribal elderâ€™?**

Trip snickered. â€œMalcolm,â€ he said decisively. â€œMustâ€™ve been Malcolm.â€

The Brit stepped up beside him, a sick look on his face. â€œI donâ€™t want to talk about it.â€

Trip chortled. â€œThis I gotta hear.â€

\---------

He noticed the next one a couple of days later.

**26\. If youâ€™re Scottish, and youâ€™re going to wear a kilt to celebrate St. Andrewâ€™s Day, please wear underwear!**

Trip recognised the handwriting, and laughed incredulously. â€œTravis?â€

Jon appeared beside the engineer and grinned. â€œCrewman McArthur. Apparently he accidentally flashed Travis last night.â€ The Captain winced, and then shook his head in despair. â€œHonestly. These people are Starfleetâ€™s finest?!â€

Trip laughed. â€œHey, you picked the crew!â€

The Captain groaned. â€œDâ€™you think I could have a second crack at that?â€

\---------

Malcolm next. And this one was disturbing.

**27\. No threesomes.**

â€œWhat theâ€¦â€ Trip decided he didnâ€™t want to know.

\---------

Tâ€™Pol had made another entry when Trip next made it to the Mess.

**28\. Please refrain from shooting your commanding officer. It is against Starfleet regulations.**

â€œAnd when was the last time you got shot?â€ Trip asked the list.

â€œI believe the human expression is, â€˜you donâ€™t want to knowâ€™,â€ Tâ€™Pol remarked dryly from behind him.

\---------

Trip caught Jon writing the next one up. It was a response to Tâ€™Polâ€™s last contribution.

**29\. Pay attention Trip. You might learn something.**

â€œHey!â€ Trip exclaimed. â€œI only ever shot you once!â€

Jon capped his pen and eyed Trip. â€œTwice.â€

Trip thought about that, and then conceded the point. â€œTwice.â€

\---------

The engineer spotted Crewman Mitchell nursing bandaged fingers on his way out of the Mess. He paused, and caught the other manâ€™s eye. â€œWhat happened?â€ he asked, concerned.

In response, Mitchell jerked his thumb at the list. Trip gave him a sympathetic and confused look, and then headed for the list as the other man escaped the Mess. He laughed in realisation at the crewmanâ€™s misfortune.

**30\. Donâ€™t tease Phloxâ€™s pets. They bite.**

\---------

There were two up the next time Trip checked.

**31\. Donâ€™t flirt with Ensign Sato. Seriously. Lieutenant Reed _really_ doesnâ€™t like it.**

Sergeant Pargeter, Trip realised. Malcolm had been kind of mad when heâ€™d discovered whoâ€™d been chasing after Hoshi the past week and a half. From what heâ€™d heard, Pargeter had narrowly avoided a trip to Sickbay. Malcolmâ€™s snarky response quickly followed the Sergeantâ€™s warning.

**32\. Damn straight.**

Trip just laughed.

\---------

Tâ€™Pol was writing up her next addition when Trip wandered into the Mess in search of food. Tucker, intrigued, went over to read the latest rule.

**33\. Please refrain from calling Ambassador Soval â€˜Ambassador Green-and-Pointyâ€™. It is disrespectful.**

â€œAlthough accurate,â€ Trip commented. Tâ€™Pol shot him a glare. He smiled and took the pen from her hand, adding his own spin on the situation underneath.

**34\. Yeah, Sovalâ€™s one of the good guys now; we donâ€™t have to make fun of him anymore!**

â€œ â€˜Anymoreâ€™?â€ Tâ€™Pol asked primly.

â€œOh yeah,â€ Trip replied with a grin, handing the pen back. â€œYou donâ€™t want ta know half the names I came up with fer him the first year we were out here.â€

One eyebrow arched. â€œIndeed I do not.â€

His chuckles followed her out of the Mess Hall.

\---------

Phloxâ€™s next entry was up that evening, in response to the growing MACO/Security feud (the MACOs had adopted the pilots and the Starfleet boys had drafted the Engineering team â€“ the entire ship was suffering because of it).

**35\. The animals in Sickbay are for medicinal purposes only. I donâ€™t care what the MACOs did; stop stealing my slugs!**

Trip laughed, and then turned to Malcolm. â€œLooks like weâ€™ve got ta figure out some other ways of gettingâ€™ back at them,â€ he commented sagely.

Malcolm grimaced at the list, and then the two officers retreated to a back table to plot the join efforts of their departments.

\---------

Jon was getting fed up with his crewâ€™s rambunctious activities.

**36\. Donâ€™t. Take. Alcohol. Off. The. Ship. Come on people!**

Trip chuckled; Archer had been trapped on the last world they visited after a couple of the MACOs had introduced the natives to the joys of tequila. And the resulting joys of a massive hangover. The village leaders had held the Captain hostage until Enterprise handed over the shipâ€™s entire stock of aspirin.

Jon stepped up beside Trip. â€œFor Godâ€™s sake, itâ€™s like this ship is crewed by teenagers,â€ he moaned. â€œItâ€™s ridiculous.â€

\---------

**37\. Donâ€™t bite the natives.**

â€œTravis?â€

â€œDonâ€™t ask.â€

â€œPorthos. Has to be Porthos.â€

â€œNope. Not Porthos, Commander.â€

â€œWhat then? Who then? Hey! Travis! Get back here!â€

\---------

The MACO-Navigation-combination had come up with a devious technique for getting into the Armoury and Engineering. And apparently it was all Travisâ€™s idea. Theyâ€™d sent the girls in, dressed slinkily in ripped shirts and low-slung trousers, to flirt outrageously with the male engineers and security officers. This left space for the males of the group to sneak in and plant a whole series of traps for their hapless rivals.

This particular tactic had added two new entries to the list.

**38\. Refrain from attempting to seduce Commander Tucker. Vulcans do not take revenge, but for this I am willing to make an exception.**

Tâ€™Pol.

And, more succinctlyâ€¦

**39\. Keep your hands off Lieutenant Reed. Or else.**

Hoshi.

Trip rested his hands on his hips and surveyed the list. â€œI donâ€™t believe this.â€ A familiar laugh from behind him prompted him to roll his eyes. â€œNot funny Jon.â€

â€œIt really is,â€ the Captain replied.

â€œIsnâ€™t.â€

â€œIs.â€

â€œIsnâ€™t.â€

â€œIs. And anyway, you started it.â€

â€œDid not.â€

â€œDid too.â€ Jon reached up and tapped a line further up the page. â€œYou started it way back at number 7. Did you really think she wouldnâ€™t retaliate?â€

Trip shrugged. â€œI hoped.â€

Jon snorted, and Trip didnâ€™t miss the evil grin that slid briefly across his old friendâ€™s features. â€œHang on,â€ the self-same friend said. â€œIâ€™ve got an idea.â€ He pulled a pen out of his pocket and yanked the lid off, his face the picture of innocence.

Trip eyed the pen dubiously, and then sighed. â€œWhat are you doing?â€

â€œGot another one,â€ was Jonâ€™s only reply before the pen hit the paper.

**40\. Ladies, donâ€™t fight. Just keep them on leads. They wonâ€™t get into trouble that way.**

Tripâ€™s mouth fell open.

Jon doubled over laughing.

\---------


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has reviewed the past 2 chapters; reviews are love, and you make me feel loved. -grins-

  
Author's notes: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed the past 2 chapters; reviews are love, and you make me feel loved. -grins-  
  
Enjoy!  


* * *

Things Not To Do On the NX-01

Malcolm hadnâ€™t been sure that this â€˜listâ€™ of Tripâ€™s was going to catch on. It seemed like one of the engineerâ€™s usual hair-brained schemes â€“ in other words, bad news. But now, the Tactical Officerâ€™s mind wasnâ€™t quite as clear cut on the matter. It was a good way to embarrass/reprimand colleagues regarding theirâ€¦ less than stellar habits. A very good way, in fact. Such as his latest contribution.

**41\. For Godâ€™s sake Trip! Put some clothes on!**

Once was acceptable. Twice was tolerable. Three timesâ€¦? More?

No. Malcolm was getting fed up with the engineer saving the ship in his blues. It was the second time this week, and that was just ridiculous.

\---------

At lunch, another one had arrived, in Tripâ€™s messy scrawl.

**42\. â€œDaniels stole my report to save humanityâ€ is not an excuse.**

â€œPlease tell me you didnâ€™t use that,â€ Malcolm moaned to his recalcitrant friend.

Trip shovelled a forkful of pie into his mouth and gave Malcolm a look, one that the Tactical Officer understood all too well. The Brit groaned and put his head in his hands. â€œIt wash an eshperiment,â€ Trip mumbled around the remains of his dinner.

\---------

By that evening, the Captain had evidently seen Tripâ€™s message. Malcolm noted with amusement that the previous number 42 had been scribbled out and was now barely readable. Jon had added his own version.

**42\. You are not allowed to put confidential information on the list! I should not have to say this, Commander!**

â€œHuh,â€ Trip said. Malcolm suppressed a smirk.

\---------

Phlox chipped in the next one.

**43\. Away missions. Not the best times to be getting a pet.**

Lieutenant Henderson had taken a liking to a strange sabretooth-tiger-like creature on the last M-Class world they visited, and the sabretooth-tiger-like creature had taken a great liking to him. It had stowed away aboard the shuttlepod and now refused to leave Hendersonâ€™s side. Five inch fangs and very bad breath deterred anyone from trying to remove it from the ship.

Malcolm grinned. Henderson was one of Tripâ€™s engineers. The Tactical Officer saw a shift in the balance of power of the Feud coming soon; the dubiously-named â€˜Tiddlesâ€™ would see to that.

\---------

Hoshi wrote the next line.

**44\. Do not teach little fluffy aliens to swear. Itâ€™s just not funny, and then they come to me to ask for a translation.**

Malcolm suppressed a laugh. â€œAnd exactly how did you handle that?â€ he asked her with a grin.

Hoshi rolled her eyes. â€œWith difficulty.â€

\---------

Ensign Mak came up with the next one; Malcolm figured it was in response to the recent incursion by the Orions. The female complement of Enterprise had a particular loathing for the green-skinned species, for reasons apart from the obvious alien attitude of â€˜ooh look, Enterprise, letâ€™s try and blow it upâ€™. The fact that almost the entirety of the male grew went gaga whenever the green beauties boarded. The Ensignâ€™s plea was quite appropriate.

**45\. Sexy alien girls. No. Please. No.**

The green devils were bloody persistent, Malcolm gave them that.

\---------

The next one was justâ€¦ confusing.

**46\. Black holes are not gateways to the land of the happy people with yellow faces. Stop saying that they are. Itâ€™s annoying.**

â€œTravis?â€

\---------

Malcolm spotted Trip writing the next one up.

**47\. Decon. Not the best place for a loversâ€™ quarrel.**

â€œTrip?â€ Malcolm was hard pressed not to laugh.

â€œYou do not wanna know.â€

\---------

Away missions, Malcolm reflected, were becoming something of a by-word for danger and screw-ups. He kept this in mind as he finally gave in to temptation and wrote up the one point that had been nagging him for four years.

**48\. Donâ€™t get caught by the bad guys. Captain, Commander, this means you.**

\---------

Jonâ€™s handwriting answered him a few hours later.

**49\. Take your own advice Lieutenant.**

Malcolm glared at the list. â€œNot fair.â€

\---------

It was the Captain again with the next one; Malcolm read it with a smile twitching at the corner of his thin lips.

**50\. Snarky comebacks. Just no.**

The Tactical Officer knew where this one came from; a conversation between the Captain and Chief Engineer on the Bridge that consisted entirely of stern looks (Jon) and snide quips (Trip). Malcolm smiled at the memory.

Hoshi appeared beside him, and grinned at the list. â€œLooks like the Captain doesnâ€™t appreciate Commander Tuckerâ€™s sense of humour,â€ she remarked offhandedly.

Malcolm just shook his head.

\---------

Travis was next.

**51\. Donâ€™t quote â€˜Star Warsâ€™ on away missions. Seriously.**

Something to do with the newfound â€˜Cult of Vaderâ€™ on the last inhabited planet theyâ€™d visited, based around very odd family relationship. And the new range of â€˜Death Starâ€™ interstellar cargo ships originating from the same planet. And the fact that one of that worldâ€™s most eminent scientists had nearly blown himself up whilst trying to build a functioning lightsaber from scraps of radioactive metal.

Malcolm rolled his eyes. Not the smartest of planets.

\---------

Another medical warning next, courtesy of Doctor Phlox.

**52\. Leave the local flora alone. Ask Commander Tucker why.**

Malcolm turned to Trip, who promptly flushed with embarrassment. The Brit eyed the engineerâ€™s vivid violet nose, fluorescent orange ears and neon pink hair. Trip seemed to shrink under his friendâ€™s scrutiny. The Tactical Officer shook his head and smirked. â€œHonestly Commander,â€ he reprimanded sagely. â€œSomeone needs to chain you to the ship.â€

â€œAh, can it, Malcolm,â€ Trip mumbled, his bright red cheeks contrasting nicely with his multihued face.

The snap of a camera was the engineerâ€™s only answer.

â€œMALCOLM!â€

\---------

Enterprise crossed paths with an Andorian ship two days later, coincidentally (or not) the same vessel commanded by Shran. The still-one-antennaed Andorian found Tripâ€™s colour change hilarious and Malcolm had successfully traded the pictures heâ€™d taken for a slender bottle of Andorian Ale that was now sat, pride of place, on his shelf.

But, beside acute embarrassment for the engineer, that meeting sparked three new entries for the list. Anna Hess had written up the first of the triumvirate.

**53\. Just because they call us â€˜pink-skinâ€™, doesnâ€™t mean itâ€™s a good idea to call them â€˜blue-skinâ€™. Or anything like it.**

An Andorian engineer had made it to Engineering while Trip was hiding in the maintenance shafts. Lieutenant Hess had intercepted the alien and been subjected to a barrage of criticisms of the â€˜punyâ€™ ship and the â€˜ignorant, pink-skinnedâ€™ crew and a veritable deluge on the inefficiency of the engines.

Anna, indignant on behalf of the absent Commander Tucker, had replied with something along the lines of, â€œWell, f--k you, blue boy!â€

A fistfight had ensued, and both of them had ended up in Sickbay.

When Trip had been dug out of the woodwork and told about the incident, heâ€™d run the length of the ship to check on his 2IC. She was unconscious, as was the Andorian, and Phlox had tactfully neglected to mention to the already-irate Commander what had sparked off the incident. After all, criticisms of the engineerâ€™s â€˜babiesâ€™ violated number 24.

Trip had found out though, and Shranhad ended up on the sharp end of the Chief Engineerâ€™s tongue. Although it had been rather hard to take him seriously with his presentâ€¦ colouring.

Malcolm smiled. Good memories.

He scanned down the list, and snickered. He had only heard vague rumours regarding this one, written in Travisâ€™s handwriting.

**54\. Donâ€™t lose bets with the Andorians.**

Something involving running naked around D-deck twice, whilst waving a pink and red feather boa in the air and yelling incoherently. Malcolm had nearly choked on his Earl Grey at that mental image; the Andorians were certainlyâ€¦ inventive with their forfeits.

The next was in Tâ€™Polâ€™s impeccably neat script and was in response to Mayweatherâ€™s warning. Malcolm had wondered when the Vulcan had even spoken to one of their blue-skinned visitors, but apparently she had.

**55\. It is inadvisable to win either.**

All that Malcolm had been able to eke out of Trip was that the First Officer had had to seek refuge in the Chief Engineerâ€™s quarters from the Andorians who were roaming the ship looking for her, convinced sheâ€™d swindled them. And that heâ€™d had to borrow Tiddles off of Henderson to guard the door. Not that the creature had minded; Trip fed him well.

Malcolm laughed softly to himself and headed for the Mess Hall doors. It had been an eventful few days.

\---------

Trip made the next contribution a few days later.

**56\. Donâ€™t touch it if you donâ€™t know what it does. Seriously.**

And the Commander had just been changing back to normal flesh tone too, Malcolm mused. The ears were a pale orange now, and his hair was back to its regular dark blond. But, after the last eventful voyage of the ship, Trip was sporting a set of neon green fingernails and a large yellow blob on the end of his re-purplified nose.

The engineerâ€™s curse had been loud enough to be heard back on Earth.

\---------

Hoshi next.

**57\. If it seems too good to be trueâ€¦ Well, for us it probably is. Really. Four years, and no one except me has realised this?**

Malcolm looked over at the linguist. â€œWhereâ€™d that come from?â€

She grimaced. â€œLong story.â€

He smirked. â€œIâ€™ve got time.â€

\---------

The Feud had been dying down recently â€“ the MACO/Navigation boys hadnâ€™t made a move since Tripâ€™s face became brighter than a traffic light. But Malcolm had spotted Major Oâ€™Neill and Travis whispering together at a table in the Mess recently, and he suspected something was up.

So he made a quick trip to Engineering and then bolted back to the Bridge, trying not to grin like a loon.

As a result, two hours later a new rule went up, courtesy of a highly irritated Captain Archer.

**58\. Glue on chairs. For Godâ€™s sake, no. What are you people, five?**

Malcolm just smirked. Five years old or not, Travis was still stuck to his seat, fingers welded solidly to his thighs, thanks to the industrial-strength glue the Chief Engineer had leant the Tactical Officer. The Doctor was currently on the Bridge, trying to figure out how to un-stick the pilot.

â€œScore,â€ Malcolm murmured with a smarmy grin.

He glanced towards the galley. His eyes lit up with malicious glee. Acting like a five year old? May as well go the whole way.

\---------

Barely an hour later, Jon was back.

**59\. No food fights on the Bridge or I will give you a bedtime and cut your allowance! Act like youâ€™re five, youâ€™ll be treated the same!**

Malcolm crossed his arms across his chest. There were benefits to acting like a five year old. He grinned. All was well.

\---------

The MACOs and the pilots were getting antsy. A few days had gone past without anything much happening; the ship was quiet, and they were in empty space. So Oâ€™Neill and Mayweather had put their heads together and plotted.

Thus the next line sprang up, courtesy of the good Major.

**60\. Silly string. Engineering. Commander Tucker. Bad move.**

Malcolm winced. When he and Trip had arrived after their opponents â€˜master planâ€™, they had been greeted by a smirking Oâ€™Neill, a laughing Travis, and a multicoloured Engineering. Oâ€™Neill had remarked that it matched Commander Tuckerâ€™s face. Trip had just stood there, staring around, swaying woozily. Malcolm had been convinced that Trip was actually going to collapse. Five minutes they stood there like that. Five minutes.

The Brit smirked to himself, before heading out of the Mess.

And thenâ€¦ And then, five minutes after the pair had entered Engineering, Trip had gone absolutely ballistic.

Now, three days later, the pilots and half the MACOs were still in hiding.

\---------


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, I got the phrase the Disaster Twins (youll see!) from evays site, Its very funny; I recommend it.

  
Author's notes: By the way, I got the phrase â€˜the Disaster Twinsâ€™ (youâ€™ll see!) from evayâ€™s site, Itâ€™s very funny; I recommend it.  
  
Reading through this, Iâ€™ve just realised what an incredibly disturbed mind I haveâ€¦ Thatâ€™s kinda weird. LOL! And, by the way, number 75 is a nod to IchthusFish, â€˜cause I was inspired by her reviews! -grins- Thanks!  
  
Enjoy!  


* * *

Things Not To Do On the NX-01

To begin with, Tâ€™Pol had failed to see the logic in this â€˜listâ€™ of Tripâ€™s. Starfleet regulations prohibited many of the comments written on the paper; she could see no point in reinforcing them by phrasing them in an amusing fashion. But now, almost a month after the first rule had appeared, the logic was becoming slightly clearer: crew morale had increased exponentially after the inclusion of the list in daily routine.

Upon her arrival in the Mess Hall at precisely 0614 hours she noticed another inclusion to the rapidly growing collection of purportedly-humorous reprimands. She collected a mug of green tea from the dispenser and made her way across to the paper.

**61\. Donâ€™t prank-call the Klingons.**

One delicate eyebrow arched at the recognition of Ensign Satoâ€™s handwriting. She was unaware of anyone on the crew â€˜prank-callingâ€™ the Klingons. She resolved to address her inquiry to the Ensign later in the day.

\---------

She was in the Mess with Trip when he noticed the next one. With an exclamation of delight he grabbed her hand and she allowed herself to be pulled over to the paper. Trip snickered softly beside her as she read the next item.

**62\. Cheesy pick-up lines stay on board.**

â€œWonder what Travisâ€™s been up to now?â€ Trip murmured softly, a grin plucking at his lips as he squinted at the helmsmanâ€™s handwriting.

â€˜Cheesy pick-up linesâ€™â€¦? Tâ€™Pol turned to Trip, eyebrow raised, expecting a rapid clarification. He took in her expression and promptly went bright red as he fumbled for an explanation.

\---------

As far as she could tell, the next line was also from Ensign Mayweather.

**63\. Watch your language. Seriously.**

Tâ€™Pol was aware of the story behind this remark; it had forced Ensign Sato into giggles on the Bridge earlier in the week. Mayweather had been on the recent away mission to Ianus III, when Corporal Tyler had stepped in a pile of something that the Ensign had surreptitiously left out of his report. The indigenous peoples had overheard the Corporalâ€™s resulting virulent curse, and become incensed. Apparently, uttering foul language was a capital offence on Ianus: the away team had had to be transported back to Enterprise before the Corporalâ€™s impending castration.

The Science Officer let a hint of a smile creep across her lips. Despite the illogic and danger of the situation, the entirely of the human crew had been in hysterics when theyâ€™d found out, and their amusement was contagious.

She exited the Mess Hall promptly, returning to her quarters to meditate.

\---------

Away missions, she reflected, were a constant source of inspiration for this â€˜listâ€™. She surveyed the newest addition, and held back a sigh of mild irritation.

**64\. When will people realise that itâ€™s a bad idea to let Commander Tucker and Lieutenant Reed go on an away mission together?**

Ensign Satoâ€™s observation was entirely accurate; the two officerâ€™s fourth disastrous away mission in the last fortnight had occurred just yesterday. Tâ€™Pol arched one eyebrow as she considered the possibilities of filing a request with Captain Archer for the two men to be banned from participating in the same away mission. She had no desire for either of them to come to serious harm â€“ the paperwork involved was quite tedious.

\---------

Forty-two hours and another away mission gone awry later (something involving a number of hungry goat-like creatures and an irate farmhand, according to the Commanderâ€™s communiquÃ©), another rule arrived on the list, and Tâ€™Pol read it with great interest, immediately recognising Ensign Mayweatherâ€™s rounded script. It was in response to Ensign Satoâ€™s previous comment, and Tâ€™Pol fought to stop the corners of her lips twitching upwards in amusement.

**65\. Jesus, again?! Somebody chain the Disaster Twins to the ship!**

Theâ€¦ Disaster Twins?

If Tâ€™Pol had been human, she would have smirked. The name was quite appropriate.

\---------

According to Tripâ€™s grumblings, the MACOs and the Navigation department had agreed to lower the intensity of the â€˜feudâ€™ inherent between them and the Security and Engineering side. Tâ€™Pol had been following this conflict with great interest; she had heard of human â€˜prank warsâ€™ before, but had never seen one in action. It was mostâ€¦ enlightening. Now, instead of adhering Ensign Mayweather to his seat or draping Main Engineering in a Earth substance known as â€˜silly stringâ€™, the MACOs and pilots had resorted to a moreâ€¦ disturbing tactic, leading to Captain Archerâ€™s current reprimand.

**66\. Donâ€™t make voodoo dolls of Lieutenant Reed and Commander Tucker.**

Tâ€™Pol had asked Trip to explain the concept of a â€˜voodoo dollâ€™ to her, and she had found the concept quite disturbing. Why the pilots and MACOs had decided to construct crude representations of the Lieutenant and the Commander and stick long sharp objects in them was quite beyond her. She was glad Captain Archer had requested them to stop.

\---------

Apparently, Trip and Reed had different ideas, although she had warned them otherwise. And the Captain wasnâ€™t amused.

**67\. Or Major Oâ€™Neill and Ensign Mayweather.**

\---------

More of these â€˜voodoo dollsâ€™ had been appearing all over the ship, and that morning, Captain Archer had called all four main culprits into his Ready Room. His irate shouts had been clearly audible on the Bridge; all activity had ceased in order to listen in. Tâ€™Pol regarded the next line with mild amusement. Apparently, that had been the excuse Major Oâ€™Neill had given the Captain in anâ€¦ unguarded moment.

**68\. I donâ€™t care if itâ€™s your â€˜religionâ€™. Stop it.**

Trip appeared beside Tâ€™Pol and wrinkled his nose at the list. â€œNot fair,â€ he mumbled.

â€œI believe the most appropriate phrase,â€ Tâ€™Pol said, turning to face him, â€œwould be â€˜I told you soâ€™.â€

He pulled at face at her.

\---------

**69\. Alien hallucinogens. Avoid.**

Doctor Phloxâ€™s latest contribution. Tâ€™Pol pursed her lips lightly. She would have thought that that particular rule would be rather obvious, but apparently not to the unfortunate Crewman in Sickbay who was embroiled in a delusion that he was a â€˜vampireâ€™ named â€˜Draculaâ€™ and that he wanted to â€˜suck your bloodâ€™.

Tâ€™Pol raised one eyebrow. This was an illogical ship.

\---------

The next time Tâ€™Pol entered the Mess Hall she immediately noticed the conspicuous cluster of Captain Archer, Commander Tucker, Lieutenant Reed and Ensign Mayweather around the â€˜listâ€™. She moved silently over to them, intrigued.

Ensign Mayweather was writing on the list.

**70\. Always have a Plan B.**

He handed his pen to Lieutenant Reed, who took the pilotâ€™s place and began to write.

**71\. And a Plan C.**

It went to Trip.

**72\. And a Plan D, E, F, G, Hâ€¦**

And finally to Captain Archer.

**73\. In fact, just keep going to the end of the alphabet. You just might be safe then.**

The Captain capped the pen and handed it back to Mayweather. The four men surveyed their work, and rapidly dispersed, satisfied.

Tâ€™Pol examined their additions with curiosity, and arched one eyebrow at Trip, who stood next to her. He chuckled at her mildly bemused expression. â€œWeâ€™re gettinâ€™ some new kids from Starfleet,â€ he explained with a smile. â€œFigured it might be nice ta give â€˜em some tips.â€

â€œIndeed,â€ she allowed, and then the two of them made their way out of the Mess. Trip was still smiling.

\---------

The most recent away mission had gone remarkably well, apart from one small discrepancy before the team had even settled into the shuttlepod. Tâ€™Pol found herself writing the next reprimand up, at the behest of Captain Archer.

**74\. Lieutenant Henderson, please refrain from attempting to take â€˜Tiddlesâ€™ on away missions. It is not permitted. Please leave him with Commander Tucker.**

It was slightly disturbing, actually. Tiddles and Commander Tucker had â€˜bondedâ€™ to an alarming degree after the night the beast spent protecting her from the Andorians. The feline being now had three separate homes; Hendersonâ€™s quarters, Engineering, and Tripâ€™s quarters.

If Tâ€™Pol had been prone to such emotions, she would have felt slightly threatened by the carnivorous creature.

\---------

Doctor Phlox offered the next regulation.

**75\. If you insist on reading highly comedic books late at night, please try to keep the hysterical laughter to a minimum. I am receiving an increasing number of complaints, and I donâ€™t need to remind you that lack of sleep has a detrimental effect on human physiology.**

Tâ€™Pol decided it might be best if she didnâ€™t inquire.

\---------

Trip wrote up the next one, as a â€˜digâ€™ (his words) at Lieutenant Reed.

**76\. When you see Malcolm and Hoshi going into a room together, Iâ€™d run far away, very fast. It gets noisy.**

Tâ€™Pol was fairly sure that his comment was somewhat inappropriate. She was also fairly sure that the Lieutenant and the Ensign would not appreciate it.

\---------

Sure enough, Reedâ€™s reply was up within hours.

**77\. The same goes for Commanders Tucker and Tâ€™Polâ€¦ Seriously, the walls shake.**

Tâ€™Pol flushed bright green.

\---------

The childish rivalry between Navigation/MACOs and Engineering/Security had resurfaced after a brief lull following the voodoo doll incident. The latest occurrence involved golden syrup, peacock feathers, Phloxâ€™s stolen slugs, a hungry Tiddles, a fleeing Major Oâ€™Neill and an irate Ensign Mayweather. Tâ€™Pol had decided it would be best not to listen to the details. But that incident had prompted the next rule, after Major Oâ€™Neill had ended up in Sickbay. Captain Archer was becoming most irritated.

**78\. Henderson, you were allowed to keep that damn cat, but if you donâ€™t keep it under control, Iâ€™ll shove it out an airlock!**

Tâ€™Pol reflected that that would be an appropriate way to end this â€˜warâ€™. The endless feuding was beginning to detract from shipâ€™s performance.

\---------

Lieutenant Henderson had written up a protest the next time Tâ€™Pol checked.

**79\. Tiddles is not a cat. And he is under control.**

Trip appeared beside Tâ€™Pol as she read Hendersonâ€™s rebuttal. He snickered, and pulled a pen out of his pocket. â€œJonâ€™s just jealous,â€ he confided to Tâ€™Pol.

An eyebrow quirked skywards. â€œIndeed.â€ Trip smirked at her, and began to scribble.

**80\. Jon, if you wanted to join in, all you had to do was ask!**

The Chief Engineer stepped back and laughed. He glanced over at Tâ€™Pol and grinned at her expression. â€œIâ€™ve gotta go find the Capâ€™n,â€ he quipped. â€œLooks like heâ€™s been feelinâ€™ left out; no wonder heâ€™s been so grumpy!â€

Tâ€™Pol watched him as he practically skipped out of the Mess. Her forehead furrowed slightly. It was hardly fair that the Captain would participate with â€˜The Feudâ€™, as the crew had dubbed this infantile endeavour. He had more resources available than either the MACOs or the pilots; the Engineering/Security team would have an unfair advantage.

The corner of her mouth quirked up imperceptibly. It was highly possible that a talented Science Officer and a skilled Communications Officer would aid Major Oâ€™Neill and Ensign Mayweather immeasurably. And healthy competition was good in a relationshipâ€¦

Tâ€™Pol exited the Mess Hall at a brisk walk, in search of Ensign Sato.

\---------


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has reviewed - you all make my day! I wasn't entirely sure how this would be received... Thank you!

  
Author's notes: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed - you all make my day! I wasn't entirely sure how this would be received... Thank you!  
  
Enjoy!  


* * *

Things Not To Do On the NX-01

Sad as it sounded, Hoshi Satoâ€™s commonplace visits to â€˜the Listâ€™ were rapidly forming an integral part of her day. The little compilation of comments never failed to amaze her; the utter stupidity of some of the people onboard Enterprise was just astounding. Well, either they were astonishingly dense or just incredibly accident-prone.

Or, just plain annoying, she added as she skimmed over the latest line of text.

**81\. Playing the â€˜pipes at 0130. Outside the Captainâ€™s quarters. Even when pissed out of your head. No.**

The linguist smirked as she recognised the elegant scrawl of Crewman McArthur. The passionately-patriotic Scotsman had become slightlyâ€¦ tipsy, and, in a fit of twisted logic, had decided to expose Captain Archer to the delights of traditional Scottish music, via a set of very badly tuned bagpipes.

Hoshi grinned. The Captain had not been amused, and McArthur, after heâ€™d sobered up, had gottenâ€¦ How had Malcolm described it? Oh yes: â€˜the bollocking of his lifeâ€™.

She rolled her eyes. Brits, of all nationalities, were strange.

\---------

The Asian Ensign was in the Mess again at lunchtime, and spotted Commander Tucker as he scribbled furiously at the List. â€œTrip?â€ she called, rising from her decimated pasta and weaving her way through the tables to the engineerâ€™s side. He grunted in irritation at her and scowled at his addition to the paper. She bit her lip in amusement, and peered over his shoulder.

**82\. Stop it with the pregnancy cracks, okay! It was four years ago; do you people ever give up?!**

Hoshi watched as the irate Commander stormed out of the Mess Hall, and giggled. Silly string, glue and Tiddles were all very well, but for real annoyance, a few well-placed snide comments were impossible to beat. And Trip was such an easy target. The linguist grinned in satisfaction; Tâ€™Polâ€™s suggestion to join the Feud on the side of the MACOs and pilots had been quite the stroke of genius.

And it was fun, too.

\---------

Hoshi suppressed a smirk at the next one, written up in Captain Archerâ€™s hurried hand.

**83\. When being questioned by the local dictator/evil overlord/fanatical rebel, the name of your favourite fictional character is not an appropriate answer.**

The leader of the Kareas Revolutionaries, when he contacted Enterprise to arrange a trade for Trip and Travis, had been most curious about the mystical powers the â€˜legendary and all-powerful Ozâ€™ possessed, and what role he played in human society. Captain Archer had gone bright red and had to bluff his way through the resulting conversation.

Hoshi smiled at the memory. Sometimes, Bridge duty was fun.

\---------

The next morning Malcolm made the next contribution.

**84\. â€œWhat does this do?â€ is not something Lieutenant Reed wants to hear.**

Hoshi rested her hand on his arm and smirked up at him. He rolled his eyes at her, bruised shadows beneath the dark irises. She propped her chin on his shoulder and smiled angelically. â€œWhat happened?â€

â€œYou donâ€™t want to know,â€ he moaned. â€œI spent the whole night cleaning the Armoury up after Harrimanâ€™s magic fingers â€˜slippedâ€™.â€

Hoshi laughed. Malcolm just glared at her.

\---------

When the linguist made her way back to the Mess for lunch, there was another line on the List. It was in Tâ€™Polâ€™s neat handwriting, and in response to Reedâ€™s earlier comment.

**85\. Commander Tâ€™Pol is not overly fond of this phrase either.**

If it got Tâ€™Pol â€˜irkedâ€™â€¦ Hoshi wasnâ€™t sure she wanted to know whatâ€™d happened.

\---------

It seemed the Vulcan had sparked something off.

**86\. Commander Tucker doesnâ€™t want it said around him anymore.**

Hoshi bit her lip.

\---------

**87\. Donâ€™t mention it in Captain Archerâ€™s hearing.**

The Communications Officer rolled her eyes and pulled her pen out. Every single member of the crew would be writing the same thing up at this rate. It was her duty to put a stop to it.

She began to scribble.

**88\. Okay, we get the picture, nobody wants to hear that. I think thatâ€™s enough!**

\---------

Travis had evidently been thinking along the same lines as her.

**89\. Spoilsport.**

Hoshi giggled.

\---------

It was anotherâ€¦ interesting away mission that sparked the Captainâ€™s next quibble.

**90\. We do not have a theme song, and if we did, it would not be â€˜I Know a Song Thatâ€™ll Get On Your Nervesâ€™.**

As far as Hoshi knew, itâ€™d been the disastrous combination of Malcolm and Tripâ€¦ again. Theyâ€™d been bored on a routine away mission, and had resorted to singing in order to irritate the other members of the team. It had worked perfectly, and when theyâ€™d been yelled at to shut up, theyâ€™d just switched songs, as the Captain had helpfully pointed out.

**91\. Or â€˜The Llama Songâ€™. What are you, three?**

Hoshi grinned, and sauntered out of the Mess, singing softly under her breath. â€œHereâ€™s a llama, thereâ€™s a llama, and another fuzzy llamaâ€¦â€

\---------

Phlox made the next complaint, a couple of days later, after the recent â€˜medical emergencyâ€™ that had gotten him running the length of the ship at 0010.

**92\. Toxic chemicals are not to be used in pranks. And making Captain Archer, Commander Tucker and Lieutenant Reed think they were, is not nice.**

Hoshi smiled slightly, and turned to her partner-in-Feud. â€œThat was a very good idea of yours,â€ she complimented.

Tâ€™Pol arched one eyebrow slightly, in a gesture Hoshi had decided to interpret as a Vulcan smile. â€œIt appears so,â€ she replied blandly, â€œif it has warranted an inclusion on â€˜the Listâ€™.â€

Hoshi smiled. The Science labs had plenty of empty chemical bottles hanging around, and making Malcolm, Jon and Trip think theyâ€™d been doused in toxic waste had beenâ€¦ entertaining, to say the least. If a little mean. And as far as she knew, they still hadnâ€™t worked out who had been behind the elaborate set-up (the MACOs and pilots had provided a very effective smokescreen for their newly-acquired prank-masterminds). She and Tâ€™Pol were safe, and still working.

The Ensign gestured to the door, and Tâ€™Pol inclined her head slightly. The two women made their way out of the Mess in friendly silence, and Hoshi let a grin creep across her lips. Who would have thought Vulcans had such devious minds?

\---------

Hoshi was beginning to suspect there was some meddling omnipotent being messing with away missions. She could count on the fingers of one hand the number of said missions sheâ€™d been on that had been completely uneventful; no injuries, no hostile species, noâ€¦ mishaps. At least this time it had been human stupidity at fault, not bloodthirsty aliens. Tripâ€™s human stupidity as well: it was his handwriting on the sheet.

**93\. Always look before you leap. Literally.**

Trip Tucker + inattention + ditch full of green slime.

Fill in the blanks.

Hoshi laughed.

\---------

She knew exactly where the next one came from. It had been her idea, after all, with a little prompting from Major Oâ€™Neill. She was willing to suffer a little personal embarrassment to get on Malcolmâ€™s nerves, and it had worked; it was his handwriting up on the list.

**94\. Betting on colleagueâ€™s sex lives is not allowed.**

Rumours of a certain pool on a certain subject involving a certain Armoury Officer and a certain Communications Officer created by a certain Chief Engineer abounded at the moment. Oâ€™Neill and Travis had seen to that. The four of them had figured that in-fighting was a good way to get ahead in the Feud. And it had worked â€“ Trip and Malcolm werenâ€™t speaking to each other in a fit of childish pique and Jon was left to coordinate two departmentsâ€™ efforts. He wasnâ€™t doing too well.

Hoshi smirked. Misinformation was such a wonderful thing.

\---------

The linguist discovered the next one when she was having dinner with Malcolm in the Mess Hall. It appeared that Trip had been at it again â€“ he really was trying to turn Enterprise into a Warp 5 comedy show. Phlox was testy at the moment, his sleep cycle was nearing, and Tripâ€™s shenanigans were not appreciated by the good doctor.

**95\. Not only do we not have a theme song, we donâ€™t have a motto either. Especially not â€˜Today Is a Good Day to Dieâ€™. I have enough things to do in Sickbay!  
**  
Hoshi turned her attention to Malcolm. â€œDid you have anything to do with this?â€ she quizzed, already knowing the answer.

He did his best to look innocent. â€œWould I ever?â€

Hoshi rolled her eyes. â€œLooks like you and Trip patched up your differences then,â€ she quipped.

He grinned. â€œWhat would give you that idea?â€

She pointed a finger at him, and smirked. â€œIâ€™ve got another one for you,â€ she said softly, and leaned up to whisper in his ear.

His face lit up, and he grinned. â€œIâ€™ll pass it on to Trip,â€ he replied excitedly, before scurrying out of the Mess.

\---------

The next day, Phlox was back.

**96\. Neither is it â€˜Rock Is Dead, Long Live Paper and Scissorsâ€™.**

Hoshi bit her lip to stop her laughter.

\---------

Travis came up with the next one, after a particularly eventful few days.

**97\. The next time Commander Tucker gets possessed by an alien wisp, donâ€™t chase after him singing the â€˜Ghostbustersâ€™ theme tune.**

Hoshi had seen that particular phenomenon after the engineer had been de-wisped; the sight of a harassed Trip running from a group of close to twenty off-duty crewmen with a look of abject terror on his face had been hysterical. She pulled out her pen.

**98\. Even if it is hilarious.**

\---------

Malcolm made the next contribution, a couple of days after the Ghostbusters antics had died down.

**99\. We are not here to â€œspread peace and loveâ€. I am not a bloody hippie.**

No, heâ€™s certainly not, Hoshi mused. The manâ€™s a walking weaponâ€™s locker. About as far from a â€˜bloody hippieâ€™ as you can get!

\---------

It was Major Oâ€™Neill next, after Trip had gotten inventive with the EV controls and managed to simulate an Andorian winter in Oâ€™Neillâ€™s and Travisâ€™s quarters.

**100\. Messing with the environmental controls in the name of the Feud is not fair. And why just me and Travis? What about Tâ€™Pol and Hoshi?**

Hoshiâ€™s eyes went wide. You stupid MACO! Her hand flew to her pocket, groping for a pen.

She was too slow; Jon appeared beside her, his gaze already scanning the List. He stilled at the two names at the end, and then, slowly and deliberately, turned to look at her. â€œEnsign?â€ he questioned, voice icy.

Hoshi gaze flickered back up to Number 92. She swallowed. â€œCaptain?â€ she asked in a very small voice.

He offered her a glacial smile. â€œWould you know where Lieutenant Reed and Commander Tucker are?â€ he asked threateningly.

â€œNo sir,â€ she offered meekly.

â€œVery well,â€ he answered, and stalked out of the Mess. He glared at Tâ€™Pol as she entered, and she merely gave him a barely-confused expression in return.

The doors slid shut, and Tâ€™Pol made her way over to Hoshi. â€œEnsign?â€

Hoshi gestured to the List: Tâ€™Pol read. The Vulcanâ€™s eyes widened fractionally. An equivalent of running around the Mess screaming profanities, the linguist presumed.

Hoshi chewed her lip lightly as they stood in silence. And then she smiled in glee. She led Tâ€™Pol over to the nearest table and they sat. â€œTime to get out the big guns,â€ she murmured conspiratorially. â€œYou remember Risa?â€

Tâ€™Pol nodded slightly.

Hoshiâ€™s grin widened. â€œDid you ever find out what Malcolm and Trip got up toâ€¦?â€

\---------


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay in between postings things were pretty hectic around here. Extra choir practises, coursework looming, my room being repainted Gah, it sucked, and Im not entirely happy with this chapter. bites lip with worry Tell me if it sucks badly.

  
Author's notes: Sorry about the delay in between postings â€“ things were pretty hectic around here. Extra choir practises, coursework looming, my room being repaintedâ€¦ Gah, it sucked, and Iâ€™m not entirely happy with this chapter. â€“bites lip with worryâ€“ Tell me if it sucks badly.  
  
Number 114 was inspired by a review I got from Glory1863. Thanks!  
  
And the Green Day song mentioned in number 119 is not for the sensitive. It is corruptive, perverse and dodgy. And hilarious. Just a warning. And I'm serious here!  
  
Enjoy!  


* * *

Things Not To Do On the NX-01

Travis was up early for once, albeit reluctantly. He wandered into the Mess just before 0545, still rubbing sleep from bleary eyes. His cabin was absolutely freezing; a casualty of the Feud. Not that the pilot minded â€“ the prank war that spanned the ship was the most fun heâ€™d had in years. With an unfocused smile on his lips, the Ensign spotted a new addition to the all-powerful List. He smirked, clarity flooding into his dark gaze, and ambled over.

**101\. When confronted by the local Balrog-esque creature, donâ€™t plant a stick in the ground and yell, â€œYou shall not pass!â€**

It had been Tripâ€™s fault really, Travis reflected. The engineer had managed to schedule a run of Lord of the Rings movies for Movie Night â€“ as far as he knew, there had already been three swordfights, five bow-making classes and Hoshiâ€™s regular lessons in Elvish created aboard the ship as a result.

But then someone had taken the craze on an away mission (gone awry, as usual) and Enterpriseâ€™s crewmembers had been beamed back aboard, slightly singed, and wearing massive grins.

Travis rolled his eyes, and headed over to get an early morning coffee.

\---------

The next one was Feud-related, but not in quite the way Travis wanted. Heâ€™d desperately wanted to use the bombshell Hoshi and Tâ€™Pol had dropped in his and Oâ€™Neillâ€™s laps, but the other three had outvoted him â€“ wait. So he had to settle for the cause of this rule instead.

**102\. Donâ€™t spam Captain Archer.**

The pilot had been on duty the last time the Captain had checked his messages. The startled squeak as Enterpriseâ€™s commanding officer had seen his inbox of fifteen thousand, two hundred and ninety-one messages had been worth the sleepless night.

Travis narrowed his eyes at the List. Archer was now off-limits, but there were a couple of other officers who were prime candidates for irritating, in the name of the good-olâ€™-Feud.

He went to find Major Oâ€™Neill.

\---------

**103\. Or Lieutenant Reed.**

Twenty thousand, seven hundred and forty-three.

\---------

**104\. Or Commander Tucker.**

Travis grinned. That had been their crowning glory. Thirty-nine thousand, eight hundred and twelve spammed messages, all of which the Commander had to go through to fillet out the genuine ones.

Trip had gone after them with a blowtorch. Literally.

\---------

It was an interesting away mission that saw rise to the next gem, in Captain Archerâ€™s scrawl.

**105\. Donâ€™t volunteer for lap-dancing duties at the local club.**

Travis laughed. Hoshi had assured him that it was inadvertent, and that dancing virtually naked at gunpoint hadnâ€™t been her idea of fun.

But the pilot had seen Malcolmâ€™s face and he knew that the Tactical Officer had a different view on the situation entirely. Hoshi and guns: both the Britâ€™s loves in one place.

â€œGood memories.â€

Travis took one look at Malcolmâ€™s dreamy features and snickered.

\---------

A temporary truce had been called the night before in the Feud. Apparently, Lieutenant Reed and Major Oâ€™Neill (the manâ€™s Irish ancestry had only just cropped up to Travis a few hours before) had more pressing needs to see to â€“ needs and obligations that overruled their Feud-induced rivalry. The pair had met up with Crewman McArthur and, the last the helmsman had seen, had headed of to the Mess Hall, working each other into a righteous frenzy as they went.

The Captain had not been a happy camper when he discovered what the three had gotten up to.

**106\. I donâ€™t care if you were â€œdefending your nationsâ€™ honourâ€ â€“ donâ€™t get into brawls with the Germans!**

Travis grinned.

The fiercely-patriotic Englishman (Reed), Irishman (Oâ€™Neill) and Scotsman (McArthur) had met Enterpriseâ€™s four German officers in the Mess Hall. Insults of epic proportion had been flung (mostly relating to parentage, sexual habits and the first two World Wars) and eventually several security personnel and MACOs had had to be called to drag their respective chiefs off the Germans when a full out punch-up had started. McArthur theyâ€™d left alone â€“ heâ€™d gone into a kind of crazed blood-lust and ended up chewing a table leg, muttering about Robert the Bruce and Bonnie Prince Charlie.

The helmsman shook his head before heading for the doors. Enterprise really was crewed by loons.

\---------

Travis was on his way to the Bridge next time he spotted a set of additions to the List.

**107\. No quickies in Engineering.**

It was Tripâ€™s handwriting, and that was a slight relief. Travis had a sneaking suspicion that the Commander had a strange kink for warp enginesâ€¦ Well, warp engines and Tâ€™Pol. And considering most of the time the engineer called said engines his â€˜babiesâ€™â€¦ Travis shuddered. He didnâ€™t want to think about it.

**108\. Or Sickbay.**

Phlox this time â€“ Travis smirked at that image.

**109\. Or the Armoury.**

Malcolm next. Travis got a disturbing image of phase pistol wounds in rather sensitive areas. He winced.

**110\. Or the Bridge, for crying out loud!**

Jon: Travis smothered a hysterical laugh. Who the hell tried to get a quickie on the Bridgehe thought wonderingly. And when?! He cast around for someone to ask, and spotted a familiar face entering the Mess.

He jogged away from the List. â€œHoshi!â€

\---------

It had been a foolish decision on the Captainâ€™s part that prompted the next rule. Henderson (and Trip) had been complaining that Tiddles wasnâ€™t getting enough exercise â€“ yes, the beast had the run of the ship (no one was exactly going to deny him access; one snarl ensured that), but the nagging pair didnâ€™t seem to take that into account. After much irritation on the Chief Engineerâ€™s part, Archer had caved.

Thus Travis found Henderson writing up the next one, on behalf of his errant pet.

**111\. â€œIt was staring at meâ€ is not an excuse. Tiddles knows.**

â€œTiddles knows?â€ Travis inquired off-handedly.

Henderson glanced back at the ebony-skinned pilot. â€œTiddles knows,â€ he confirmed.

Travis grimaced at the departing engineer. A disadvantage of the Feud â€“ the engineering crew wouldnâ€™t tell him anything. He went, again, in search of Ensign Sato.

\---------

Travis was with Malcolm the next time he spotted a new rule. He practically dragged the stuffy Brit over to the List.

**112\. You are not allowed to shoot the irritating scientists.**

The pilot frowned in confusion (and a healthy amount of amusement) at the Captainâ€™s handwriting. â€œWhatâ€™s that about?â€ he wondered out loud. â€œWho shot a scientist?â€

Reed let out an embarrassed cough, went bright red, and scurried off.

Travis watched him go, bemused. And then smirked.

Malcolm was far too trigger-happy sometimes.

\---------

The Andorians were back, and Shran was only too happy to invade Archerâ€™s hospitality once more. Enterpriseâ€™s favourite blue-skinned friend had made himself comfortable in the Captainâ€™s Mess, and the pair of them had gotten exceedingly drunk last night â€“ leading to the next rule, courtesy of a sleep-deprived Commander Tucker.

**113\. Yodelling at 0145. Even if youâ€™re a Captain. Or an Andorian. No.**

Travis smirked. His quarters were on a different deck to Tripâ€™s, so he hadnâ€™t been treated to the â€œJon â€˜nâ€™ Shran Showâ€ (as the engineer had grumpily named it), and had gotten a good nightâ€™s sleep â€“ heâ€™d finally managed to bribe an Engineering Crewman to restore the heat in his and Oâ€™Neillâ€™s quarters.

The pilot whistled happily. He might not have heard or seenthe pairâ€™s drunken night-time antics first-hand, but the security cameras did have excellent quality footage. And a lot of it, too. Good blackmail material.

But that wasnâ€™t the only new rule that had come out of the Andorian incident. The next one came from a slightly ruffled Lieutenant Anna Hess â€“ sheâ€™d been emulating her esteemed Commander and hiding from the Andorians in the maintenance shafts, with Trip himself running interference from aâ€¦ persistent admirer.

Prompting the next one.

**114\. Never say â€œF--k you, blue boyâ€ to an Andorian. They have very dirty minds, and very long memories.**

The same Andorian engineer that Anna had encountered (and beaten up) the last time Enterprise met the antennaed-aliens had sent the engineer a ratherâ€¦ risquÃ© message. Heâ€™d taken her insult as an â€˜overture to matingâ€™ (as heâ€™d put it) and had gone searching for her. She hadnâ€™t appreciated the gesture. And had hidden.

â€œWe need to invite the Andorians over here more,â€ Travis commented sagely to Hoshi as she giggled softly beside him. â€œTheyâ€™re kinda fun to be around.â€

Hoshi just rolled her eyes.

\---------

Travis was seriously beginning to doubt the sanity of the crew. Like, really doubt. And apparently Captain Archer was having the same thoughts.

**115\. Donâ€™t wear crude badges on away missions.**

Crewman McArthur (the ringleader in the little band of crackpots, Travis mused) had developed a certain obsession with rude badges. Heâ€™d paraded through the latest first contact with a massive one on his chest that read DONâ€™T SWEAR AT ME YOU B-----D.

The locals had taken huge offence, and McArthur had received yet another reprimand from his irritated Captain.

\---------

**116\. Or T-Shirts.**

McArthur was looking for ways around the rules â€“ Jon was annoyed.

â€œThe manâ€™s bonkers,â€ the Captain commented in exasperation â€“ Travis nodded in total agreement.

\---------

Travis snickered when he saw the next one â€“ still on the McArthur theme, this time in Malcolmâ€™s handwriting.

**117\. Crazy Scots are no longer allowed on away missions.**

The pilot reflected on the hypocritical Lieutenant for a second â€“ Reedâ€™s track record with away missions topped McArthur by miles, and almost rivalled Commander Tuckerâ€™s. Travis pulled out a pen.

**118\. Crazy Scots? What about crazy Brits?**

Malcolm appeared, as if by magic, beside the Ensign. He read Travisâ€™s addition. His eyes narrowed. He glared at the boomer.

Travis swallowed nervously. Heâ€™d already been chased with lethal weapons once this month.

\---------

An interesting away mission spawned the next reprimand â€“ Jon was, once again, supremely annoyed.

**119\. Just because our culture is less sexually repressed than others doesnâ€™t mean you can tell the locals our Global Anthem is â€˜Like A Rat Does Cheeseâ€™. Or give it to them to listen to.**

Admittedly, Trip had been slightly drunk at the time. But he hadnâ€™t been too pissed not to wince at the Captainâ€™s twenty-minute-long tirade.

\---------

Oâ€™Neill, Sato and Tâ€™Pol had finally caved to Travisâ€™s insistent nagging. The four of them had put together a message, long and detailed, with a few pictures the four had managed to glean from a friend of Travisâ€™s on Risa. And had sent it to the entire crew, except Trip and Malcolm.

Ergo, the pair had been wondering why everyone was smirking and giggling at them for the past few days. Until Travis wrote up the next rule.

**120\. Trans-gender alien thugs â€“ a definite no-no.**

The pair in question appeared next to him as he capped his pen. Trip frowned. â€œWhat theâ€¦â€

Malcolm was slightly quicker on the uptake. He turned slowly to Travis, dumbstruck. â€œHow did youâ€¦â€

Travis smirked knowingly.

â€œWhat?â€ Trip demanded, still clueless.

Malcolm looked at the Chief Engineer, and said one word. â€œRisa.â€

Trip gaped at Malcolm. Then at Travis. Then at the List. Then at Malcolm again. â€œHowâ€¦â€

It took a moment for the stunned pair to recognise that the entire Mess Hall was falling over themselves laughing at them.

\---------


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right. 122 was inspired in equal parts by HoViss review, and Casino Royale (Daniel Craig -drools-), 123 was from burrcat213 (tweaked slightly), 127 was from Glory1863 (again!), and I just loved the ones I was sent by panfriedcatfish, so 132-136 got in there! And the rest are mine!!

  
Author's notes: Right. 122 was inspired in equal parts by HoVisâ€™s review, and Casino Royale (Daniel Craigâ€¦ -drools-), 123 was from burrcat213 (tweaked slightly), 127 was from Glory1863 (again!), and I just loved the ones I was sent by panfriedcatfish, so 132-136 got in there! And the rest are mine!!  
  
And 126-129 are inspired by my recent SG:A kick... I'm obsessive about it at the moment. It's funny.  
  
Anyway! On with the rules!  


* * *

Things Not To Do On the NX-01

Doctor Phlox was second to arrive in the Mess Hall early one morning. A cheery, abnormally wide grin was fixed on his features as he ambled through the doors. â€œGood morning, Commander,â€ he greeted chirpily, his attention drawn to a familiar tousle-headed engineer nursing a mug of coffee beside the infamous List. A noncommittal groan was the only response he got.

Phlox smiled even wider, and moved over to Tripâ€™s side. Or, more accurately, to the Listâ€™s side. Usually, when Enterpriseâ€™s Chief Engineer was up this early, heâ€™d been writing up a new rule. The Denobulan Doctor wasnâ€™t wrong.

**121\. â€œS--t happensâ€ is not an appropriate response to a sleep-deprived superior officer.**

Phlox shot an inquisitive look at the Commander. Trip yawned, and gestured vaguely with his mug. â€œEnsign Armstrong,â€ he mumbled sleepily. â€œDid summat wrong.â€ He yawned. â€œDunno what.â€ He rubbed his eyes. â€œCovered quarter oâ€™ Engineerinâ€™ in purple gunk.â€ Tucker blinked sleepily. â€œThaâ€™s what he said.â€

The doctor patted Trip reassuringly on the shoulder. â€œWhy donâ€™t you go get some rest, hmm?â€

Trip ignored him, wandered over to a table, sat down, and fell asleep.

Phlox tutted.

\---------

The Denobulan chuckled amiably when he saw the next one, up after the latest Movie Night. Ensign Sato was apparently becoming ratherâ€¦ irritated with Malcolmâ€™s MI6 antics.

**122\. Lieutenant Reed is not â€œBond, James Bondâ€, no matter what he says.**

Phlox could see the similarities between the two â€“ British, dark-haired, stoicâ€¦ And both with a heady love of weaponry. He could readily understand where such interesting delusions were coming from, although he probably should check for any mental problems the next time the Tactical Officer was in Sickbay.

Ah, Enterprise was a most insightful vessel.

\---------

Days later, the next was up, in Captain Archerâ€™s annoyed scrawl.

**123\. Not only are you not allowed to shoot the irritating scientists, you are not allowed to play Quasar with your phase pistols, even if they are only set to stun.**

Phlox turned attentively to the trigger-happy Lieutenant in question, and waited.

Malcolm coughed, and turned pink from his collar to his hairline.

Phlox merely smiled mildly.

\---------

Phlox had been present when the cause for the next one had happened. He had had no idea that the crew of Starfleetâ€™s first Warp 5 vessel could be soâ€¦ emotional.

**124\. You are not allowed to sing songs from Les MisÃ©rables in the Mess Hall early in the morning.**

Everyone in the Mess Hall after Ensign Howeâ€™s heartfelt rendition of Empty Chairs At Empty Tables at breakfast had been left in tears. Including Ensign Mayweather, and Captain Archer.

The Denobulan had to admit that the song had been quiteâ€¦ moving.

\---------

The Feud sparked the next one, in a roundabout way. The tapes that Ensign Mayweather had gotten of theâ€¦ what was the phrase Commander Tucker had used to describe it? The â€œJon â€˜nâ€™ Shran Showâ€? Yes, that was it. Well, Mayweather had conspired with Oâ€™Neill, Tâ€™Pol and Hoshi and theyâ€™d managed to pipe it to every single console on the ship. At once.

The Captain had beenâ€¦ remorseful, to say the least. Prompting the next one.

**125\. Donâ€™t drink anything blue â€“ particularly with Shran.**

â€œAlthough it can be rather amusing for the rest of the crew, hmm?â€ Phlox commented to a haggard Archer.

The Captain merely buried his face in his hands and muttered something about yodelling and strangled puppies.

\---------

The next three were apparently written up at the same time, and they wereâ€¦ interesting, to say the least.

**126\. Please refrain from referring to Commander Tâ€™Pol as either â€œJaffa-girlâ€ or â€œIshtaâ€.**

From the lovely Commander, evidently. Andâ€¦

**127\. Quit calling me â€œWraith-boyâ€!**

**128\. Or â€œMichaelâ€!**

Tucker, the writer in question, stood beside Phlox, shuddered. â€œCommander?â€ the Denobulan inquired.

â€œOne oâ€™ the new recruits,â€ the engineer explained wearily. â€œLikes some old sci-fi show called Stargate or Atlantis or somethinâ€™.â€

Phloxâ€™s smile became vaguely confused. â€œIâ€™m not sure I understand.â€

Tucker rolled his eyes. â€œApparently, Tâ€™Pol and I look like a couple oâ€™ the actors that were in it. This got spread aroundâ€¦ and we got nicknames.â€

â€œAh.â€ Phlox nodded in understanding.

â€œWhich reminds me,â€ Trip muttered, and dragged a pen out of his pocket. Phlox watched with interest.

**129\. Will someone delete that damn show from the database? Please?!**

â€œCommander?â€

The faint strains of singing reached Phloxâ€™s ears. Trip winced, and the Denobulan listened intently.

â€œJaffa-girl and Wraith-boy, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-Gâ€¦â€

Tucker nodded wearily at Phloxâ€™s wryly amused expression. â€œThey wrote a rhyme.â€

\---------

A week and a record eight disastrous away missions later (Phlox wasnâ€™t entirely sure how Captain Archer had managed to fit eight away missions into seven days â€“ he was quite sure Daniels had been involved in some way, shape or form), Lieutenant Reed went on a record writing spree â€“ five rules all up at once. Quite remarkable, actually. Phlox joined the cluster of giggling crewmen around the List, peered over a particularly tall engineerâ€™s shoulder and began to read the Britâ€™s rants.

**130\. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. Commander Tucker. Please pay attention.**

â€œTrip got shot,â€ Malcolm commented from his position behind Phlox, â€œagain.â€ He sighed. â€œItâ€™s getting a tad annoying.â€

**131\. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. Commander.**

â€œAgain, he doesnâ€™t seem to realise that walking target is my job,â€ Malcolm added wearily. Phlox chuckled.

**132\. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you. And the people around you generally have phase pistols.**

â€œCommander Tucker?â€ Phlox asked.

â€œNope,â€ Malcolm replied. â€œNot this time.â€ He smiled smugly. â€œMajor Oâ€™Neill. Stupid MACO.â€

Phlox stared at him.

Reed chuckled manically. â€œHe was making too much noise. So I shot him.â€

Phlox rolled his eyes, something heâ€™d picked up since the List went up, and turned back to the rules.

**133\. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. I really shouldnâ€™t have to say this.**

Malcolm nodded sagely. â€œMajor Oâ€™Neill. Again.â€

**134\. The easy way is always mined. Always.**

Lieutenant Reed rolled his eyes. â€œTravis.â€

Phlox chuckled.

\---------

The Captain was up next.

**135\. Crew quarters are not to be used as boarding kennels.**

â€œCaptain?â€

Archer sighed. â€œI make one exception for some killer kitty, and we end up with a crocodile, a koala bear, a giraffe and an honest-to-God dinosaur.â€

Phlox patted the beleaguered Starfleet officer on the shoulder in sympathy.

\---------

**136\. Neither is the galley.**

Jon rested his forehead against the wall. â€œChef likes animals. And not just to cook.â€

\---------

**137\. Or the cargo hold â€“ for Godâ€™s sake, we are not intergalactic pet carriers!**

â€œThey just donâ€™t get the picture!â€ Jon yelped in vain.

â€œNever mind, Captain,â€ Phlox reassured absently, his mind on other things. Enterprise as a menagerieâ€¦ An interesting thought. The crewâ€™s reactions would be amusing, to say the least, and Phlox had always been fond of practical jokesâ€¦

Phlox wandered out of the Mess Hall, pondering that in great detail.

\---------

**138\. Stop it, Phlox!**

The Denobulan snickered evilly. Hoshi gave him a funny look.

\---------

The Disaster Twinsâ€™ antics were the cause of the next two, up a couple of days later, courtesy of an irritated Commander Tâ€™Pol.

**139\. Cutlery is not to be taken on away missions.**

**140\. Neither are any foodstuffs that might induce hyper-activity.**

Malcolm had managed to get Trip hopped up on caffeine and sugar on a diplomatic away mission. The engineer had bunny-hoped the entire way around a tour of the localsâ€™ capital city. And then, upon being greeted by official dignitaries, had whipped out a spoon, with Malcolm snickering in the background, and yelled, â€œFear the spoooooooon of doooooooooom!â€ Heâ€™d then collapsed, and had to be beamed back to Sickbay â€“ where he still was, strapped to a biobed, giggling and trying to catch imaginary butterflies.

Apparently.

Tâ€™Pol was not amused.

Captain Archer, Lieutenant Reed, Ensign Sato, Ensign Mayweather and Doctor Phlox himself, on the other hand, found the engineerâ€™s behaviour hilarious.

\---------


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special part, for Xmas ! Thanks to HoVis for the idea and Number 146!

  
Author's notes: A special part, for Xmas ! Thanks to HoVis for the idea and Number 146!  
  
Read, enjoy, laugh (maybe), review, and have a great Christmas and a happy New Year!  


* * *

Things Not To Do On the NX-01

Captain Jonathan Archer was usually a pretty amiable character. Easy-going (unless his ship was attacked), lenient (unless his crew were on a practical joke kickâ€¦ again) and generally a nice guy to spend time with (unless Porthos had been at the cheese, in which case he got a little cranky). He was a good friend, a good Captain, and an okay cook.

But.

There were two days of the year aboard Enterprise when Captain Jonathan Archer became grumpy, miserly and his crew generally tip-toed around him. And those two days were the 25th and 26th of December. In other words, he got particularly cranky around Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

And, if you read on, you might find out why Captain Jonathan Archer got like this, in this special holiday edition of â€˜Things Not To Do On the NX-01â€™.

\---------

Jon closed his eyes as he walked into the Mess, early on Christmas Day. He fumbled his way over to a cup of coffee (very strong â€“ he was going to need it) and drank the whole thing in one gulp.

He mustered the courage to open his eyes, and did so.

And groaned.

The Mess Hall was properly Christmased-up. â€œOh God,â€ Jon moaned, taking in the holly, tinsel, candles, Christmas cards, fake reindeer, miniature Santa Clauses and abundant sprigs of mistletoe.

Trip appeared beside his Captain, a wide grin on his face. â€œMerry Christmas, Capâ€™n,â€ Jonâ€™s friend chirped.

The Captain groaned, poured himself another mug of coffee (even stronger) and buried his face in it. Please no pranks today, he prayed. Please God, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, George Washington, Surak, the spirit of Admiral Forrest, Ambassador Soval for cryinâ€™ out loud! No pranks! Please!

\---------

Jon sighed, a mere twenty minutes later, and pulled out a pen before the List. â€œYouâ€™re gonna be getting a few more additions before the weekâ€™s out,â€ he grumbled to the paper, before beginning to scribble.

**141\. No ambushing superior officers carrying coffee with Santa hats.**

Travis had surprised Jon outside the turbolift to the Bridge by plopping a Father Christmas hat on his head. The Captain had jumped, squealed, swore at all the deities (or not) heâ€™d earlier prayed to, and spilt boiling-hot coffee all down his jumpsuit. Boiling. Literally.

He glared at the suitably sheepish Ensign. â€œI swear,â€ he said dangerously, â€œif youâ€™ve affected my ability to have kids, there will be nowhere in the universe you can hide.â€

Travis gulped.

\---------

Hours later, he had the next one, after a particularlyâ€¦ interesting incident.

**142\. No mistletoe on the Bridge.**

Hoshi had pinned a sprig of said plant up above her station. Sheâ€™d invited Malcolm over to look at something with her.

Unfortunately, apparently Malcolm really got into the Christmas spirit. Even if he refused to wish people â€œMerry Christmasâ€ and always said â€œHappy Christmasâ€. Very British.

But anyway. Malcolm and Hoshi. And mistletoe.

Theyâ€™d ended up making out on the floor.

\---------

And then, Jon had the smarts to make a trip down to Engineering. With Tâ€™Pol in tow.

**143\. Or in Engineering.**

Trip. And mistletoe. And Tâ€™Pol.

Jon groaned. Oh Godâ€¦

It had been worse than Malcolm and Hoshi. He hadnâ€™t known Tâ€™Pol could get soâ€¦ free.

\---------

The Christmas party that evening had been the cause of the next lot. Jon had been dragged (literally) along by Trip and Phlox (the latter had an unusual fondness for Terran festivals of all kinds â€“ the doctor was a terror around Valentines Day).

He sighed, and tried desperately to forget the nightâ€™sâ€¦ festivities. After failing, he began to write.

**144\. No spiking the eggnog.**

He really should have expected that one. And he really should have guessed that the culprit wouldâ€™ve been McArthur. Although, he probably could have been excused from guessing who the victim wouldâ€™ve been. Really, he thought Trip could hold his liquor better than that.

Apparently the engineerâ€™s drunken conga, tango, waltz and break-dancing could testify to his ignorance in that area.

**145\. Yes, mistletoe is a tradition. But sometimes the Captain doesnâ€™t want to make out with you underneath it.**

Jon shuddered.

Major Oâ€™Neill got drunk, and randy, very easily.

**146\. Tiddles is not allowed near the Christmas tree.**

Henderson had brought aforementioned killer kitty to the party. Tiddles had stalked the fake fir tree warily for about half an hour.

And had then pounced. Everyone within a ten metre radius had been showered with chewed green plastic and coloured broken glass from the destroyed tree and baubles. However, when the fairy from the top had landed on Tiddlesâ€™ head, the cat-esque creature had yelped with fear, tucked its tail between its legs and hidden behind Henderson for the rest of the party.

That same fairy was now tucked away in Jonâ€™s cabin â€“ an anti-Tiddles device was a good idea in the Captainâ€™s mind.

**147\. Telling Tâ€™Pol that she is the spitting image of one of Santaâ€™s Little Helpers is not very sensible.**

The Vulcan had taken that comment (said by a mildly drunk Travis) as a grievous insult. No one was particularly sure why.

The pilot had ended up face forward in the punch.

**148\. Trying to re-enact the Nativity Story is all very well, but someone really should have figured that alien camels were a bad idea.**

He had to give it to them; the animals had been very camel-like.

Even if halfway through the evening theyâ€™d started to breathe fire and had nearly set the Mess Hall on fire.

On the plus side, at least Tiddles had gotten his first square meal in a while.

**149\. â€œFeed the Worldâ€ is a bad idea unless you are trying to make everyone aboard cry.**

Hoshi had produced a recording of the original recording from the twentieth century and had played it late in the evening, when half the crew were drunk and the other half were melancholy. Eighty-plus people singing their hearts out to â€œFeed the Worldâ€ had caused those same eighty-plus people to burst into tears.

Jon included. It had been very emotional.

\---------

â€œI donâ€™t get why I have to do it now,â€ Jon complained. â€œChristmas was yesterday.â€

Trip propped his hands on his hips. â€œThatâ€™s not the point, Jon,â€ he reprimanded. â€œYouâ€™re the Capâ€™n. Itâ€™s your duty.â€

Jon wagged his finger at the engineer. â€œNuh huh, Commander,â€ he retaliated. â€œThis was never in the job description.â€

â€œCâ€™mon Capâ€™n!â€ Trip wheedled. â€œItâ€™ll be fun!â€

â€œFor you, maybe.â€

â€œItâ€™ll be good for morale!â€

Jon acquiesced to that one. â€œNot for my morale.â€

â€œCrew morale, then.â€ Trip was bouncing up and down on his heels. And grinned. â€œPlease.â€

Jon rolled his eyes, and caved. â€œFine.â€

Trip grinned even wider.

â€œBut!â€ Jon stopped the engineer mid-bounce. â€œI have one more thing to write on the List before I do this.â€

Trip nodded, and followed his Captain over to the List in question.

**150\. Captain Archer only wore a fat Santa suit and ran around the decks shouting â€œMerry Late Christmas! Ho ho ho!â€ and throwing out candy canes at 7:30 on Boxing Day because Commander Tucker made him do it. Okay?!**

\---------


End file.
